its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
