apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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