Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
