Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize