I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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