All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize