listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Randomize
