That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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