Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize