ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
