Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
