You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
