She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize