And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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