I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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