I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Randomize
