Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
