I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize