My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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