My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
