Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
