chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
if only i could text you this smell
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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