Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
