I hate your face
My nipple is on Facebook.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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