Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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