im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
