The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize