Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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