I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
