so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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