i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
