I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
