TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
