How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
