Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize