I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I smell stomach acid.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
