I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
He passed out mid-signature
Did I show you my penis last night?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Boobs speak an international language.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
