I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
