Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You have to summon your inner elephant
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
