I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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