I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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