White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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