Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
