I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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