Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
