I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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