yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
