does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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