ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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