You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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