Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
