they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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