If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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