Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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