I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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