get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
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