please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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