You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
