I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
