Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Pappa wants mamma naked
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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