nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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