The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Randomize
