I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize