I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
