I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Floor bacon is actually really good
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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