By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
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