Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
