you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
